That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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