i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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