Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
