Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
