low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
We are all done wearing pants today
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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