He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
