i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize