I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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