I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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