i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
