I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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