i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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