Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
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