im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
