tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize