look no pants
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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