I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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