and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
