I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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