the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
