I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
