im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
