i would punch a child for taco bell
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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