It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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