This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize