i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
