My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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