When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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