I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
