Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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