So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
