Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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