so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think my vagina is haunted
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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