bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
