marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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