bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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