Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i out mim tonsoeep
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
