your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
