there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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