I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
