i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
