When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
