he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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