Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize