just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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