i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
