Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
