the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize