im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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