somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
