i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just gargled with NyQuil
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
