I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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