my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
