Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
