Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
