thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you had me at cake vodka
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
