i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
