I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
