Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
