I can text with my tongue
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
